Again, it's been a couple of days since my last post. That has been for the simple reason, that I've had nothing to say. Not a simple case of writer's block, just a simple case of nothingness. I got by on the first few weeks of unemployment, by referring to the thoughts, trials and tribulations, that were going round my mind. Now, I'm really not sure what to think anymore. I'm becoming a victim of boredom. A victim of my own self imposed exile from the world. Now just like Kellogg's Bran Flakes, I have taken a step in the right direction. That vital first step being, admitting that I need to get back out there. I'm just struggling with the next step. Doing something about it.

Other than apply for pretty much every job out there, register with every agency (even the fly by night ones), I'm not sure what else to do. Confidence is pretty low. Not an all time low, but pretty low. When i quit my job, I believed that I was in need of a change of direction. That is still the case, but now I feel that I may need to add to that a change of location. Make a complete new start. This is definitely a consideration of mine right now. Where exactly is the sun shining........

On a lighter note, has anyone seen the advertisement on TV for the invisible wall mounted washing line. Do I have some super human power, that allows me to see the invisible, or can anyone else still see it mounted on the wall. Someone needs to have a word with that particular companies marketing department. Even still they need to have a word with the "Stevie Wonder" that they have in charge there. The Emperor's new clothes spring to mind on that one.

Speaking of old school tales, "The Boy who cried Wolf" was a good one. I only mention it because, last night I watched An American Warewolf in London. An absolute timeless classic, and if truth be told the first time I have watched it in its entirety for nearly 20 years. The first time being when I forced my kid sister to watch that and Poltergiest with me. It definitely seemed funny at the time. And was well and truly worth being grounded for 2 weeks for. Although in saying that, I was the one that suffered nightmares for watching scary movies. So I guess my sis got the last laugh.

Lou - Thanks for your little "Kick up the Arse". It was just what I needed. I'll thank you personally on Saturday night......

Today was a good day. I got the one little piece of good news any unemployed bum hopes to get. No not a job, but confirmation that I do qualify for Job Seekers Allowance.... Back of the net.. Back to the land of the living. It almost feels like a lottery win, all be it a very small win. The paltry sum of £65.45 per week. It's almost a kings ransom. The king being an extra from The Borrowers that is... Now I can understand the rational behind the amount being quite small. It acts as a mental "kick up the arse". It's not enough to live on, so it acts as a stimulus to finding, and getting a job. What the government don't understand is that whereas they look at the amount, they don't look at the value. What value are they really getting by providing such a measeley sum, that will inevitably force the unemployed into 1 of 2 decisions. Either they will end up taking the first available job, regardless of what it was, thus feeding the rhetoric, and eventually leading to far unhappier times for the recipient. The second decision is that the poor sole gives up pretty much straight away and decides to join a life of settling for second best, unwanted/unplanned pregnancies, Council accomadation, drug habits. Oh my god, I'm in danger of turning into Frank Gallagher....... NNNNNOOOOOOOOO......

Now being the eternal optamist, I live in hope of their being a third option. An option that provides a win win situation for everyone involved. Maybe the entrance of a new government next month might provide the catalyst. But baring in mind who we've currently got, and who we are likely to get I very much doubt it..... We can all live in hope.....

Philosophy aside, on an even brighter note. I'm going round to a very good friends house for dinner tomorrow evening. Not because of the promise of a home cooked meal (fajitas - and they are great), Not because of the conversation (he's my best mate, so we never really talk about anything anyway - You know how it is with blokes), but because he has found a local shop that still sells Carling Premier. Now that might not sound like a lot, but for those of you that tried it when it first came out in the late 90s, then you'll understand. Fuck Fosters being the amber nectar, It's Premier all the way. The best lager ever made. Now we are not sure if Premier is back under production, or if Appu bought a shed load of the stuff when it was still being made and only sells it every now and again. I truly hope that it is back under production. It would be the one ray of sunshine in another wise cloudy month........

I would like to apologise for my lack of updates recently. It has been 5 days since my last confession...... Not that I'm religious or anything like that, but spilling my mind onto "electronic" paper has in some way started to become a kind of crusade. A spiritual uplift if you will. Due to that feeling, I decided not to carry out any updates over the last couple of days. As from my previous post, It could be argued that I was in some depressed state of mind. Based on the content of it, If I was an outsider looking in, I would have to agree. Just to confirm though, I'm not currently depressed. The one thing I promised myself when I set out on this journey, was that first and foremost I would be Honest. Not just honest to myself, but honest to you - the reader. I was to put down how I was feeling in the moment. At that particular point I was feeling pretty down in myself, and therefore in some form of "self therapy" decided to get those negative feelings out of my mind and onto paper. Personally I believe it to have worked, thus allowing myself that all to important self pick me up, and at the same time, remaining true to my word.

Now quite a lot has happened in this 5 day period, not least the feeling of nervousness, followed by the feeling of sheer joy, then the feeling of sheer dejection and anguish, and finally the feeling of pride. Yes that's right on Sunday I was at the most important football game in the league calender. The Sheffield derby. Sitting in the Kop, can be an enlightening experience. If you catch the moment at exactly the right time, it can provide you with an unlimited feeling of belonging. In the blinking of an eye, people you have never met before suddenly become you family, your equal, your pillar of strength, and your shoulder to cry on. At least we didn't lose. Did we do enough to win the game, I don't think so. Was a 1-1 draw a fair result, pretty much. Now my piggy friends who were at the game will probably completely disagree with me on that point, but then again if they were able to rationalise then they would probably be Wednesdayites anyway.... They looked strong going forward, and our defence always looked shakey, but they never really created any clear cut chances to deserve a victory. So bragging rights were split on this "day of days". But don't dispare my little piggy friends. It looks like you may get the last laugh after all....

Hopefully speak to you all tomorrow....... The Big Dog......

Apparently there isn't much demand for a slightly over weight stripper, even if he is willing to do it for minimum wage... Never mind, I guess it's just Lou who likes me to strip - just like Saturday night.... (now that's a test to see if she really does read this....) But seriously, just like Saturday night....

What to do, what to do, what to do..... Spare time can only ever become over-rated when you have so much of it on your hands. It gives you time to reflect, to consider the most important things in your life. It also (as said previously) sends your mind into over drive. The problem with with this is that, due to not having anything else to do, you end up dwelling on those thoughts. Thoughts that normally would probably come and go throughout the course of the day, end up getting stuck, and if your not careful can send you over the edge..

To give you an example of how things can get, here are just a few words that kind of describe how I feel from one minute to the next.

I'm just a shadow of the man I used to be. To many bitter tears are raining down on me. I'm far away from home, and I've been facing this alone for much too long. I feel that no-one ever told the truth to me, or explained how much of a struggle life would be. In my tangled state of mind, I've been looking back to find where I went wrong.

Here I am , born to be king, I'm the Prince of the universe. Here I belong, fighting to survive, in a world with the darkest powers. Here I belong fighting for survival, I've come to be the ruler of your world. I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings. I have no rival, no one can be my equal. I am the future of your world. You'll never understand, my power is in my own hand. I'm a man that will go far, pass the moon and reach for the stars, I'll hold my head high, gonna pass the test first time. People talk about me, I hear it every day, but I'm gonna prove them wrong cos I'm right first time.......

I have plagiarised some lines there, and i'll not deny it. Just wanted to give an insight into the mind of a bi-polar wannabe...... Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry.....

It was the dreaded job center visit today. The culmination of everything negative and depressing that has taken place thus far. But how negative and depressing was it actually... Was it as bad as being dumped on the same day as finding out that you need to have a tooth taken out. Was it as bad as actually having your tooth taken out. Or was it as bad as realizing that your football team looks like they are definitely going to get relegated this season. Well in retrospect, I would have to say "None of the above".... It was a lot better than expected. Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel like I had just won the lottery or anything like that, but I definitely didn't feel like slitting my wrists either. I guess every cloud has a silver lining after all.

I guess it all depends on what you actually expect from the situation of going to sign on. If you're expecting them to waive a magic wand and say that everything is going to be alright, then Yes you will be disappointed. But if you go in with an open mind and don't get a "little Hitler" advisor, then there is the potential to take positives from the situation.. On that note, I better get gone. These applications aren't going to do themselves.....

2 job applications down, 1 to go. Yeah that's right 1 to go. Not as lazy as you think am I. One thing I feel I need to mention is that in compiling these applications, it struck me just how different they all are, when inevitably, they are all after the same thing. So much red tape, and bureaucracy. Things could be so much easier, especially in the current economic climate. For far too long Prospective employers have ruled the roost, have fed the status quo, have designed processes and procedures, to inevitably employ people so that when business starts to slow down a bit they can make people redundant at the drop of a hat. Maybe if they redesigned their recruitment processes they would employ the right people in the first place and therefore not put themselves in a position of losing business and peoples jobs and livelyhoods.

Yet with all this loss of business and loss of jobs, Employers still look to employ people that will offer all hearted loyalty to them. Why why why should we show loyalty to these jokers. They never show any loyalty back do they.

So how would I do it. I can't really sit here and complain about the current system, without an idea of putting it right. What I will say, is that I haven't completely thought this through 100%, and I'm definitely not going to say that this will at all work. I'll be the first to admit that there are more holes in this method than there are in Rab C Nesbitt's vest. But what i'd like to see is the prospective employees interviewing the employers. Please explain why I should want to come and work for you. Ask not what I can do for you but what you can do for me. This should be the credo that all employers should strive for. And if that doesn't work, We should make employers carry out a self styled "Battle Royale", a fight to the death. Whichever employer is left standing that's who I'll work for. They obviously wanted me more, therefore I want them... I honestly think it could work. Especially in the Banking sector...... Who's with me... Vote for change.. Ha Ha.

Talent can be a strange thing and can manifest itself in so many different ways. For those of you that think you don't have a talent, I will say only this. " Yes you do, you just haven't found it yet, when you do find it, whatever it may be, embrace it and nurture it"

Tomorrow is a new day, for me it's the interview with the Job Center..... Bye Bye Pride......

Yesterday I became A victim of the technical revolution, with no Internet access all day. What to do with my time, while eagerly awaiting re-connection with the rest of the world. Obviously the world still revolves, and chores still need to be done, but what this extra time did bring me was the time to contemplate and think about how we have become addicted to technical advancements. How we have almost become slaves to the revolution....

For those of you that can remember that far back, think about 35 years ago, when the keyboard and the computer took over from the pen and paper. About 20 years ago we all became slaves to the mobile phone. And then about 15 years the Internet took over from pretty much everything else left out there.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, and I'm definitely not a "Techno-phobe". I've got a laptop, I've got a mobile, and I've got Internet access (some of the time), and to be honest, sometimes I would be lost without them. But, It wasn't always like this. I wasn't always so reliable on technology, I wasn't always so keen to know what was happening at the other side of the world, before it had even happened.

So what happened, what made me want to join in, what made anyone want to join in. Let's take my mobile for example. I love my mobile, and I would be lost without it, but that wasn't always the case. Before I had a mobile, I just couldn't see what all the fuss was about. A couple of friends of mine had just got Mobile's and where well and truly singing it's praises, and tried to convince me to get one also. I was having none of it. My rational was that if my mates wanted to get hold of me, they could call me at home, and if I wasn't home the likely hood would be that I was either with them anyway, or in a position where I didn't want to be contacted anyway (some of my mates will argue that I'm still like that now....) My old man is definitely still like that now..

So again what changed. I really don't know. Was it peer pressure from my mates, or was it the pure curiosity of being part of something new and exciting. This new Technical age. I would like to think that it is the latter. Making a decision to be part of something new, something untried and untested, something exciting. Isn't that a feeling that all of us want to feel every now and again. Sounds a bit like my recent predicament of quitting my job......

Could today be the worst day ever.... Just a trivial question everyone asks pretty much every day. But is today really the worst day ever. What I'm not going to do is try and make out that my story is the worse one out there. Let's be fair, there are millions out there in worst situations than myself. But then again, I don't know them.. Thy could be happy as a pig in shit for all I know. For all I care.. This is my story, and my settings, therefore I have to look at this as though I'm the only one that matters.. Maybe something that I have neglected to remember all too often in the past. Stop worrying about, and trying to help others and for now just look after numero uno....

So I made the most depressing journey today, the journey that I wish on no-one. The soul destroying, mind numbing, "you've hit rock bottom" journey to the job center. I had decided on the bus ride there, that I was going in with my head held high, with my dignity intact, and that there would be no hanging about outside trying to build up dutch courage. I was gonna walk in there like swim ware, and get the whole thing over an done with the minimal of fuss and the minimal of time. I didn't quite expect it to go so fast. If I had blinked I would have missed it.

I walked in the door and up to the help desk. So far so good. Dignity intact... I opened my mouth, and told the young lady why I was there. Like she didn't know already. I guess they don't get many people just walking in wanting to take a look at all the unemployed. Our great nations version of a wildlife safari.... Anyway, I told her why I was there. Expecting the cogs and gears of the job machine to kick start into life, full of anticipation, the girl looked up at me and said....

"ah, we can't help you here. You need to phone this number and register with them. And as it's a free phone number you can't call them from one of our phones" She gave me a leaflet with the phone number and sent me on my way.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for efficiency, but this was taking the piss. Did she not realise the amount of courage it took for me to walk in that hell hole. Did she not realise pain and anguish I was feeling inside. Obviously not. I wonder if they have any jobs going in the job center.... Seemed like a piece of piss to me...

It's amazing how differently the mind works when you have time on your hands. Suddenly all those mundane tasks that you do every day without thinking, without questioning, become complete show stoppers, and stop you from doing anything else until you have made a final decision. Should I have a shower. Should I cut my finger nails. Shall I go to the toilet. Decisions that in reality aren't actually decisions. They are tasks that we carry out every day without even thinking. We don't sit at our desks contemplating whether to go for a dump or not. We just do it. But not me, not anymore, well not while I'm UN-EMPLOYED. These are the major decisions that make up my day.... Are you jealous yet.....

Let me just point out that just in case my Mum & Dad are reading this, I am also job hunting at the same time of doing this. I believe I pointed out yesterday that I can multi-task and do at least 5 things at once... 5 times smarter than the average male. Remember you heard it here first....

Yesterday, I was riding the crest of a wave... It was the first time I had ever done anything like this, so just let my fingers type.... Now, after thinking about it a bit more, I'm finding it quite difficult to motivate myself to do it..

What I will say is that I've just clicked over to ESPN America, and they are showing Women's Basketball............ The humanity..... Is this as bad as Jeremy Kyle. Could be. The problem is that some of those ladies are quite hot. (in a "I'm A lesbian and you have no chance with me" kind of way....) On that note, I need to go and clear my head and have a word with myself.....

Who said Men can't multi task...... Here I am, watching Baseball on TV, while applying for jobs, and watching porn online... 3 things at the same time... Does that make me 3 times smarter than the average male? This is a serious question. A question that 99.9% of the time any man just wouldn't entertain... But when you've got time on your hands, all you can really do is think.... Or am I thinking too much. I guess it's like accepting your own self worth, or even your own mortality. Eventually the time will come when you have to consider it. (don't worry, that's one I refuse to entertain, as I'm going to live forever....)..

After thinking about it a bit more I'm actually doing 5 things at the same time. If you take the baseball, the porn & the job hunt, add to the mix the cup of Luke warm tea I'm drinking and the thoughts I'm putting down on here... I think I'm doing pretty well... Am I now 5 times smarter than the average male......

So this is my first day of unemployment..... Some say it's the first day of the rest of my life. The ability to start afresh, to re-create yourself. Others say it's stupid, naive, and possibly too lazy to understand... I say Bollocks to all of it... I didn't leave my job, to get plaudits, or to become a kind of modern day anti-hero.. (anyone who knows me will say that's not me). I didn't leave because I was naive or lazy either. In all honesty (being honest with yourself, I feel is harder than being honest with others), I left because I just couldn't take it anymore.

I could have waited for the mental breakdown to kick in. I could have hit the hooch & the drugs to get by. I could have killed someone. The problem with those options, was that the latter had started to become all too appealing. Now remember what I mentioned earlier about being honest with yourself. I bet the shirt off my back that everyone at some point has had that brief thought about killing someone. Now that thought may have just been in jest, and moreover laughed off the thought quicker than they thought about it in the first place. Not many people make it to the next stage of that process, and actually start to consider ways, & apparatus in carrying out such an act. For me, I had reached that next level. So thought it best all round and for all those concerned if I left my job via the front door on my own terms instead via the back door in hand cuffs.....